Relationships are one of the hardest things for me at midlife, and something I reflect on regularly. Friendships and activities that once felt central often no longer seem to fit. I’ve seen this shift in myself and in others—this natural distancing from old friends as priorities and interests evolve. David Brooks says that midlife is when “our scripts run out,” and the roles and relationships that guided us in earlier years no longer feel as relevant or fulfilling.
For a lot of men, this reality hits hard. Life’s demands make it difficult to stay in touch with old friends or create new connections. Between career, family, and responsibilities, it’s easy to feel isolated, even when surrounded by people. I learned to accept this isolation as part of my own growth, a necessary chapter in becoming more attuned to my truest self.
James Hollis describes this change, unsettling as it is, as essential for growth. As our inner lives deepen, many relationships start to feel misaligned with the person we’re evolving into. Hollis calls this transition the “loneliness of the soul”—a poignant phrase that captures the solitude of crossing a bridge between who we’ve been and who we’re becoming.
At midlife, it’s common to experience relationships naturally falling away, a process shared by many and one that reflects an essential stage of transformation. This time, though challenging, invites us to face the discomfort of shifting connections. It also opens a door to invest in relationships that truly nurture and align with our present selves, embracing the connections that support the person we are becoming.
- Invest in Vulnerability: Seek out spaces where authenticity and openness are the norms. Whether it’s through a men’s group, workshops, or intentional one-on-one conversations, sharing doubts and longings builds a foundation for trust and depth in relationships. As I’ve learned, these are the connections that often resonate more fully with the person you’re becoming, supporting your growth in ways that older friendships sometimes can’t.
- Prioritize One-on-One Time: Large gatherings and social events have their place, but often, it’s the quieter, one-on-one conversations that bring genuine intimacy. By setting aside time for these moments, you create space for trust and authenticity to flourish. Deep connection can develop in these quieter interactions, especially when there’s mutual openness and investment.
Midlife inevitably frays or upends relationships, but embracing this transition with intention and patience can lead to connections that reflect the depth and authenticity of this stage of life. Rather than seeing this time as one of loss, it can also be considered a beginning —a chance to create relationships that genuinely align with the values, interests, and sense of purpose emerging within you.
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