James Hollis poses a powerful question for anyone in midlife: “What am I asking of the other, that I need to be doing for myself?” On the surface, it seems straightforward, but beneath it lies a challenge to examine how we unconsciously place our longings, fears, and unmet needs onto others—particularly those closest to us.
The Hidden Expectations We Put on Others
Many of us enter relationships with unconscious expectations shaped by our early experiences. Deep down, we long for safety, wholeness, and a sense of being deeply cared for—often in ways we might not have received as children. This is a universal human longing. But when we unknowingly expect our partners, friends, or colleagues to fulfill those needs for us, we place a silent weight on our relationships.
Take a moment to consider: Where do you find yourself feeling frustrated or disappointed in others? Is it possible that what you are asking of them is something you could be offering yourself?
A Personal Realization: Seeing the Pattern
I’ve lived this dynamic in my own marriage. For years, without realizing it, I often leaned on my wife to help regulate my emotions when I was stressed or frustrated. I expected her to ground me, soothe me, and bring me back to center. And when she didn’t—or couldn’t—do that in the way I unconsciously expected, I felt resentment.
But that frustration wasn’t really about her. It was about me. It was about an unmet need I hadn’t learned to tend to myself.
Looking back, I can see where this pattern started. Growing up, I learned to track and stabilize the emotions of those around me—especially my mom. Over time, this became second nature, and it even shaped my professional strengths. But while I became skilled at supporting others, I never turned that same care inward. No wonder I expected my wife to offer the kind of support I so quickly offered others.
Curiosity: How to Turn This Question Inward
Once I recognized this, it was both humbling and freeing. Instead of waiting for my wife to do something for me that I wasn’t doing for myself, I started asking different questions:
- How can I offer myself the emotional regulation I seek?
- What practices help me return to center on my own?
- Where else in my life do I outsource my needs instead of taking responsibility for them?
Practical Ways to Apply This Lens in Your Life
If you want to explore this for yourself, try this:
- Notice recurring frustrations. When you feel let down by someone, pause and ask: What was I hoping they would do for me?
- Turn the mirror inward. Ask: How can I meet that need for myself? If you were expecting someone to reassure you, can you develop an internal voice of reassurance?
- Create small rituals of self-support. If emotional regulation is a struggle, practices like deep breathing, journaling, or movement can help. If you long for affirmation, developing a practice of self-reflection or gratitude can shift the dynamic.
The Freedom in Owning Our Needs
One of the greatest acts of love we can offer those around us is to stop unconsciously asking them to carry what is ours to hold. As John O’Donohue writes in Anam Cara, “Real love is the bright blessing of release. In its light, we learn to free ourselves from the entanglements of need.”
When we take responsibility for our emotional well-being, we not only lighten the invisible burdens we place on others, but we also create space for more authentic, reciprocal relationships. Love becomes less about what we can extract from one another and more about how we can show up as whole individuals, supporting and honoring each other. As Hollis puts it, our relationships move from the fantasy of romance to the reality of love.
Midlife invites us to grow—not by abandoning our needs, but by finally owning them. When we do, we free both ourselves and those we love. That is the liberating work of becoming who we are meant to be.
