We’ve previous began to peel back the layers of the hidden truths men carry—secrets that shape our lives in powerful and often unconscious ways. Now we’ll take the next step, exploring four more truths as revealed by James Hollis in Under Saturn’s Shadow. These insights offer a window into the wounds and longings many men carry.
Note: This article is a little longer to attempt to do justice to the depth of the truths explored.
Secret #4: Men collude in a conspiracy of silence whose aim is to suppress their emotional truth.
From a young age, many men are taught to keep their emotions in check. Vulnerability is seen as weakness, and sharing inner struggles is often met with discomfort or dismissal. Over time, this creates a culture of silence—both within individual men and between them. It’s not just that men don’t share—it’s that they learn to hide their emotions so well that even they can’t easily access them.
This silence has surprising consequences. Many men mistake their emotional numbness for strength, yet wonder why they feel so disconnected from those they care about. They may find themselves acting out their feelings in subtle ways—through irritability, distraction, or an unexplained need to keep busy—without ever realizing the emotions driving those behaviors.
The silence doesn’t just isolate men from others; it cuts them off from their own inner lives, leaving a sense of emptiness or restlessness in its wake. Breaking this silence isn’t just about talking more; it’s about learning to listen—to the unspoken parts of themselves and the quiet truths waiting to be heard.
Secret #5: The journey to independence from a mother’s influence leaves every man with scars.
Every man’s path to adulthood involves separating from his mother—not just physically, but emotionally. This is a natural and necessary step, yet it’s rarely simple. A mother’s role is foundational in a man’s early life, ideally offering care, safety, and love. But as he grows, her presence—whether it feels too much, too little, or just right—unconsciously shapes how he sees himself, others, and the world around him.
Too much closeness with a mother can make it hard for a man to trust his own decisions or feel fully independent. Too much distance, on the other hand, can leave him feeling unseen, with an inner drive to seek validation or connection elsewhere. These dynamics play out unconsciously, coloring his relationships, choices, and even his sense of self-worth.
Secret #6: Men’s lives are violent because their souls have been violated.
The world teaches men to suppress their feelings, compete relentlessly, and measure their worth by their achievements. It discourages vulnerability, forces them into rigid roles, and often denies them the space to explore who they truly are. This relentless pressure to conform and perform leaves many men disconnected from their inner lives—cut off from their emotions, their needs, and their sense of self. In this way, the world violates men’s souls, demanding that they betray parts of themselves to survive or succeed.
How can a violated soul not lead to some form of violence? For some, it manifests outwardly in aggression or domination. For others, it’s quieter but no less destructive—impatience, irritability, or an unrelenting restlessness that seeps into relationships and daily life. This violence, whether explosive or simmering, is not random; it’s a reflection of unresolved pain, unmet needs, and unacknowledged grief.
Understanding this truth is not about absolving men of accountability but about revealing the deeper work that must be done. When the wounds of a violated soul are seen and addressed, the patterns of anger and disconnection can begin to shift.
Secret #7: Every man carries a deep longing for his father and for his tribal Fathers.
Whether present or absent, loving or indifferent, every father leaves an imprint on his son. This relationship—or its lack—also shapes how men see themselves, their worth, and their place in the world. Hollis reminds us that men also yearn for a broader sense of fatherhood: the guidance of “tribal Fathers” who offer wisdom, stability, and belonging.
For many, this longing goes unmet, leaving a void that men struggle to fill. It often shows up in subtle but persistent ways: a craving for validation from mentors or authority figures, an outsized desire for success or recognition, or a deep drive to prove one’s competence. Some men might find themselves gravitating toward male friendships or communities, seeking camaraderie and connection that feels just out of reach. Others might experience a sense of unease or restlessness, as though something essential is missing but difficult to name.
This longing isn’t a weakness; it’s a sign of how much fathers—both personal and symbolic—matter in shaping who we are. Recognizing this yearning can offer men a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships.
As we continue to lift the curtain on these hidden truths, the picture becomes clearer: men are shaped by wounds, longings, and silences we rarely speak of but deeply feel. Recognizing these forces is the first step toward healing—not just for oneself but for those we love and serve.
Stay tuned for Hollis’ final hidden secret that men carry. It’s a truth that points men toward the path of inner healing and wholeness.
